I will post damn near anything for local bands who want to get their music out there, so email me at:


Include a link to your shit and don't be a fag, you fucking faggot. Eat a dick. Lick on these testicles. I wanna anally inseminate Miles Ellerbeck (this will probably be here a year or two before he sees it...Love you bro). Also open yourself up to constructive criticism. I'll bluntly tell you it sucks and give the world a link to see just how bad it sucks. I am mimicking the stream of conscious asshole blogger speech now. Fuck you and eat several more dicks.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Music Videos By Captain C! Check Out Cannavision. Serving The High Desert, Inland Empire And More!

Here's a quick shout out to my oldest friend and his new venture, Cannavision Production!

CannaVision will handle all of your filming and editing needs. We have flat rate packages available and we will work with you on almost any budget.

They say you get what you pay for? You're paying for quality with us. Quality doesn't have to break the bank!

Our current setup:

Canon Rebel T3i

Canon 50mm 1.4 Prime Lens
Canon 40mm Pancake Lens

DSLR Slider Rig
Glide Gear Stabilizer
Shoulder Mount Stabilizer

Linco Flora Lighting Kit (3 Point Lighting)
Neewer LED Light Mount

Sony Vegas
After Effects

Email me or call me at 760-985-7833 and ask for Captain C! All genres welcome. From Crunk to Punk.

We offer a fast turn around...Typically 24-48 hours from filming to final edit and delivery.

We serve all of the High Desert, Inland Empire and Southern California.

760-985-7833. Ask for Captain C and tell him Zach sent ya!

Friday, June 20, 2014

Inspiring The Ire Of Legions Of Elitist Punk Rockers (i.e. Everyone who listens to punk)...(Part 2)

Another thing that seems to inspire the utmost hatred of almost every TRUE PuNxRocKEr is whether or not if NOFX should be hated as much as they are. NOFX hate is stupid. Arguments pop up all the time about how Fat Mike is a like a 14 year old who's sole purpose on Earth is to pander to 14 year old boys and how much NOFX defines suckage in it's purest form. The band has been going since '83 and by a technicality can't really be put under the "American Hardcore" umbrella term reserved for 14 year old boys who hated school and Reagan and most importantly, every single thing that had authority over them (teachers, principals, cops and their parents). These young whippersnappers picked up a guitar and let their angst ooze out like cum from a  freshly fucked vagina...This was hardcore.

They missed the movement that is so loved by journalists and hipsters alike by a year (or maybe two), but they would become important in thee early-mid 90s when "punk revival", this sort of watered down, generic take off of punk rock that sprouted up when people got sick of flannels, cut their hair and got happier(?)...They wanted something brighter, a bit more sunshine-y, but still edgy enough for the masses to feel some minute passing feeling of rebellion. Some record label executive somewhere saw the perfect opportunity to repackage the basic formula of three chords and puberty to resell to the masses as "Punk FUCKING Rock". This new punk rock wasn't as angry, or maybe the anger was just directed at pimples, boners and growing up(?)...Punk rock was now officially safe for mom.

NOFX stands as both one of the forerunners and as a band of this movement to still have relevance today is saying a whole lot. How many punk bands from the 80s are still going? Better question, how many have been consistently going? Not many. It's safe to say NOFX did something right...

There will always be 14 year old boys and there will always be NOFX, at least until Fat Mike dies of a BDSM accident or tainted vegetables. This formula made them rich(?) and somewhat famous in certain circles, so why must we hate on them all the time? They're like Stormfront.org in that A.) You shouldn't be reading it and B.) It's genuinely funny as fuck at times...Also kinda like Rush Limbaugh...Maybe bad comparisons, but they're mine.

If you hadn't gathered by now, I like the band. I'm not a huge fan by any stretch, but I can't go wrong with them on a bored Sunday afternoon sitting on the grass smoking grass and publicly masturbating...There it is! NOFX is for boys who just learned to play with their dicks and every year a new crop of boys starts playing with their dicks and discovers NOFX. They're like the older brother of Blink 182 that showed them how to masturbate before they started rebelling and listening to too much of The Cure. NOFX is the greatest of the gateway bands. Before you hate one them next time, remember if it hadn't been for NOFX training your palette, you probably wouldn't have been able to step it up to Crusty D-beat Powerviolence Polkacore crossover, which can kind of taste like rancid habenero dipped in Iranian dirt hooker pussy.

NOFX made some hardcore punk then some crossover thrash before they came to their current sound. You know, the sound that made them punk celebrities? The NOFX you all know. I really get sick of everyone discounting Maximum Rock N Roll, S&M Airlines and Liberal Animation because NOFX. And when they do bring it up, they somehow only seem to cling onto the band hating and writing songs against vegetarians then becoming vegans...Which will always the bane of every new Crass fans' existence. It's pointless and it's stupid, as is life, but I'm not talking about that. The greater issue is hypocrisy and how it's hypocritical to be a reactionary teenager and then grow up to embrace new ideas. Life itself is a never ending series of hypocrisies by that Crasshole logic. They can't seem to say anything new other than "Fuck NOFX" And it's a debate full of emptiness.

We should bring up the bands strongly left leaning politics. Punk is itself, extremely left wing. I didn't even need to say that because you all know it is. Everyone is a lefty except for one of the dead Ramones (all of them yet?), Michale Graves and Skrewdriver protégées by punk logic. A very stupid logic that never seems to grow up until they have kids and join the "real world".  Fat Mike is the 14 year old equivalent to Jello Biafra in that his politics have never seemed to grow past "how we're all fucked cause this dude" exposition. I'd be lying if I didn't agree at least a little bit, but at the same time, I don't like being told what to do. If you don't remember the Punkvoter and Rock Against Bush failures, let me refresh you...

Bush = Bad, Kerry = "Good"...That's all that needs to be stated. It was another platform not to get young people to vote, but to vote for their guy. Essentially that was the fundamental flaw with it. I was suddenly being told who to vote for and as a consequence, I voted Bush, because punk rock (Just kidding, I was too young to vote). In retrospect, it made him look like an ass and he doesn't really compose himself any better than that in interviews. He comes off as an ass. An asshole. I'm not going to judge his intelligence, but politics is not his forte. Give me songs about lesbians and deviant sex, not politcal mumbo jumbo. If anything good came out of it, it inspired some to get more involved and criticism aside, isn't that going to be beneficial in the long run? Probably not, but fuck it. Who really jumps on bandwagons? Wait...

So, some of the critiicisms are entirely valid, but what is my point? Basically, my point is: YOU WEREN'T TOO COOL FOR NOFX THEN! Yes, you probably liked them when you were 14. And I still do. Because I think Freddy Got Fingered is hilarious still and farts. Gotta love my farts. If anything they were your gateways band to arguably better stuff, and like I said before, growing up and changing views is a way of life, but NOFX is still pretty awesome if you suspend your maturity and indulge in something that makes life feel simpler. Like that simple time when you were 14 and played video games, drank Mountain Dew and genuinely didn't give a fuck cause you were young enough that you didn't have to. NOFX rules.

I had a lot more written and it started to ramble worse than this, so there you go.

Part 3 whenever I feel like it. I think I'm going to write about the pros of law enforcement.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Inspiring The Ire Of Legions Of Elitist Punk Rockers (i.e. Everyone who listens to punk)...(Part 1)

With the sincerest of fuck yous, Black Flag Vs. Flag is a stupid fucking debate. The TRUE Black Flag happens to be th Ginn band. Don't like it? Eat a dick (my new go to insult because I'm notsmart enough to think of anything else). Having only seen the true Black Flag and not the shameless cover band called Flag (beyond YOOTOOB), I can only fairly judge the OG (Old gayass) named Ginn. Shut the fuck up already about both bands.

My judgement is as follows: Fuck you, you hackjob. SST Records sucks. Eat a dick you money hungry pariah...Those are my generic "scene" complaints. Is the band still good? Yes. In my opinion, a big fucking YES. Mike V, skater fag, does a damn good job of jocking Rollins' vocal style (I have listened to Chavo's album with Ginn and Co. It sucked, but I am not reviewing that lineup. It never happened. And Jesus is coming back). It's entertaining live and I am legitimately excited for a record as a casual Revolution Mother and Mike V. And The Rats fan...

There should be no argument. It's Ginn's band. Don't like it? Get DP'd by Lex Steel and Mandingo cause that asshole looks lonely. Another reasonable argument is "should old guys start up their old bands?" No. Should you care? No. Black Flag's only original is Ginn (his band) and Flag is basically a nursing home field trip on meth fronted by a crippled diabetic. You pay to see songs that had more relevance before you were born. Black Flag and Flag are classic rock now. It's about the "good ol days" when the cops actually beat the shit out of everyone with a mohawk and inspired that beat up punker to be a copper...I don't know how many cops I've met who were Black Flag fans, but I'm sure it's at least been 1...

To get back to my point, if I had one, both bands are just a money grab. Ginn needs to pay his rent and Morris needs insulin. Pay to see either if you have the chance cause they'll be dead sooner than you think...On another note, OFF! is good and Flag is the better of the cover bands. I'm pointing out that Black Flack isn't half bad, actually pretty good. Here's some video my wife took of the show they played in Reno last month:

Sorry not the best video quality.

You punks have strong opinions, which I can respect. But aren't somethings pointless to debate still? I mean I have heard the Misfits' debate since I fucking got into punk. It's old. It's boring and I can't stop talking about it either. Punk needs to shut up. It needs to shut it's fucking retarded third grade mouth and just die already. Punk died. Get a job and become a contributing member of society. Part two will be up as soon as I write it.

Fuck these DMCA notices. Sue me bitch.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Positive Negative-Cut The Crap...It's Time To Act

I'm not entirely sure where I picked this up...I was looking through my music collection and I stumbled upon it. Fuck, I've probably had it for years. I was missing out on this barrage of hardcore rage from Finland. I fucking love fucked up noise. Check it out, as I'm sure you'll enjoy!

Positive Negative-Cut The Crap...It's Time To Act:

1. Whiter Than White
2. If You Fight
3. No Way
4. Sick Mind
5. Better Than TV
6. Portrait Of Che
7. Flag Of Mankind


Monday, May 21, 2012

The Queers-Love Songs For The Retarded

What can really be said for queers? They're gay and like things in their butt. I get it. Something about "prostate stimulation"...Something that can cause orgasm. A spasm of cum. That's gay. Not that I have a philosophical objection or anything, but anything in my butt is no bueno. But Fuck it. Pun not intended...Shit, the random thoughts keep rolling from my brain. I can't think of a single way to compose an actual sentence (subject and predicate) that makes sense? Or can I??? Grammatical errors aside, this is an album by the band called "The Queers". It's not like rare or anything...Just good pop punk rock in a Ramones vein. And while I don't really like the fucking Ramones (shoot me), they did kinda help start this thing called "punk". So respect? Naw, just a wee bit of recognition. I still don't like it. Sweaty testicles on ice. Tartar sauce. Nazi Jews in viking helmets. Dead Mexicans. Poop. Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth bathing in maple syrup. ANAL FUCKING SEX. Crass sucks...Kinda. Cress is way better. I like Chinese food. And beer.

The Queers-Love Songs For The Retarded:

1. You're Tripping
2. Ursula Finally Has Tits
3. I Hate Everything
4. Teenage Bonehead
5. Fuck The World
6. I Can't Stop Farting
7. Feeling Groovy
8. Debra Jean
9. Hi Mom, It's Me !
10. Noodlebrain
11. I Can't Stand You
12. Night Of The Livid Queers
13. Granola-Head
14. I Won't Be
15. Monster Zero
16. Daydreaming


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Star Fucking Hipsters-From The Dumpster To The Grave

Click on the album art to download. Enjoy!

Municipal Waste-The Fatal Feast

Click on the album art to download. Enjoy!

Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa-Mac & Devin Go To High School

Click on the album art to download. Enjoy!

Tim Raldo & The Filthy Fuks

So according to Tim Raldo himself, my new punk rock nickname is "Sweet Tits"...That's about it. At least I got into the show for free. My vagina stinks of ass. So me being technically a dude, my ass stinks. I consider it a vagina because sometimes I put stuff there. So here's some Tim Raldo, which I'm sure you can put in your ass. Enjoy!

Click on the album art for the Mediafire link.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Powerglove-Metal Kombat For The Mortal Man

There has to be something to say about Powerglove...Not sure. Power metal covers of video game themes. Ok, there it is. Bad fucking ass! Check it out. Enjoy the epic-ness of this! I'm a little drunk right now hahahahahaha...Enjoy!

Powerglove-Metal Kombat For The Mortal Man:

1. So Sexy Robotnik
2. Mario Minor
3. Fight On
4. Vanquish The Horrible Night
5. Blasting The Hornet
6. The Duck Grinder
7. Power. Wisdom. Courage
8. Omnishred (We're Gonna Need A Bigger Sword)
9. Holy Orders (Be Quick And Just Shred)
10. Metal Kombat For The Mortal Man
11. Red Wings Over Baron

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Scott Baio Army-1999-2004

It's fair to call this thrashcore/powerviolence or whatever. This is some fast hardcore punk that probably left some gnarly holes in the esophagus of the lead vocalist with his heart racing like a rabbit on the crackpipe. I dig the shit out of fast music like this. Click the pic to download. I'd do a tracklist if there weren't 44 tracks with designations such as split 10", 7", or live KZSU. It'll take too fucking long and I lack the patience for typing the same song title over and over again. Download this though, it's fucking good and the tracks are properly labeled, thus negating a need for a typed tracklist. I'm just a lazy fuck. Check this out. Enjoy!

NOFX-The Longest EP

NOFX-The Longest EP:

1. The Death Of John Smith
2. The Longest Line
3. Stranded
4. Remnants
5. Kill All The White Man
6. I Wanna Be An Alcoholic
7. Perverted
8. My Name is Bud
9. Hardcore 84
10. War on Errorism Commercial
11. 13 Stitches (Acoustic)
12. Glass War
13. Jaw Knee Music
14. Concerns of a GOP Neo-phyte
15. Golden Boys
16. You're Wrong
17. Everything in Moderation (Especially Moderation)
18. I'm Going to Hell For This
19. I've Become a Cliché
20. Cokie The Clown
21. Straight Outta Massachusetts
22. Fermented and Flailing
23. Codependence Day
24. My Orphan Year (Acoustic)
25. S/M Airlines (7" Version)
26. Deuling Retards
27. On The Rag
28. A200 Club
29. Shut Up Already
30. The Punk Song

999-The Punk Singles 1977-1980

999-The Punk Singles 1977-1980:

1. I'm Alive
2. Quite Disappointing
3. Nasty Nasty
4. No Pity
5. Emergency
6. My Street Stinks
7. Me And My Desire
8. Crazy
9. Feelin' Alright With The Crew
10. Titanic (My Over) Reaction
11. You Can't Buy Me
12. Waiting
13. Action
14. Homicide
15. Soldier
16. Found Out Too Late
17. Lie Lie Lie
18. Trouble
19. Made A Fool Of You
20. Boys In The Gang
21. Brent Cross

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Malignant Tumour-In Full Swing

Malignant Tumour-In Full Swing:

1. We Paint The Town Red
2. We Are The Metal
3. Bristroll
4. Smack The Fools
5. Renault Star
6. High Time To An End
7. In Full Swing
8. Electric Church
9. In Bottle, There's No Law
10. Dressed To Kill
11. Hellbooze Armageddon

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Dead Fucking Last-Proud To Be

DFL, or Dead Fucking Last plays sloppy hardcore punk and was quite surprisingly released by Epitaph Records in the middle of the fucking 90s while they were riding the wave of melodic quasi-hardcore that MTV had a hard on for at the time. No traces of Bad Religion, Offspring, NOFX, or Rancid is found here. This is straight in your face, slam dance ready chaos that should be played at high volume in your grandmother's presence...Preferably during a heartwarming family outing, like a funeral or a Bris. This was produced by Adam Horovitz of the Beastie Boys and it has a certain Beastie aesthetic to it if you're aware of their hardcore punk output and that they started off as a hardcore punk band who worshiped the Bad Brains. This is definitely something you should listen to. Enjoy!

Dead Fucking Last-Proud To Be:

1. Proud To Be DFL
2. Word Of Mouth
3. Lost Cause
4. Return Of The Knucklehead
5. Mr. Popular
6. Function At The Center
7. Home Is Where The Heart Is
8. Hit The Floor
9. Club Stupid
10. Minus Adam
11. Better Off Dead
12. S.B.C.G.
13. Free Haircut
14. Society's Pressure
15. Self Pity
16. Action Everybody
17. Sourpuss
18. Insane Authority
19. Good Cop, Bad Cop
20. What's The Difference

Dead Boys-Young, Loud And Snotty

Dead Boys-Young, Loud And Snotty:

1. Sonic Reducer
2. All This And More
3. What Love Is
4. Ain't Nothin' To Do
5. Caught With The Meat In Your Mouth
6. Hey Little Girl
7. I Need Lunch
8. High Tension Wire
9. Down In Flames
10. Not Anymore/Ain't Nothin' To Do [Medley]
11. Not Anymore/Ain't Nothin' To Do [Medley]

26 Beers-26 Beers

Killer crossover thrash from Boston, Massachusetts! This shit is beyond fucking awesome!

26 Beers-26 Beers:

1. 27 Beers
2. Hit The Marc
3. Drink More Beer
4. Genocide
5. Fight The World
6. Slap
7. Dermaine (Two-Step 'N Thrash)
8. The Time Has Come
9. Deathwish
10. How To Make A Little Girl Cry Twice
11. The Mexican Drinking Song
12. Nobody's Safe

88 Fingers Louie-88 Fingers Up Your Ass

88 Fingers Louie-88 Fingers Up Your Ass:

1. Past Mistakes
2. Ritter
3. In Your Eyes
4. Try It Again (Circle Jerks Cover)
5. Won't Stay Late
6. Vera
7. Too Many
8. Irreparable Damage
9. Call It A Night
10. Run On Home
11. Victim In Pain (Agnostic Front Cover)
12. New Direction (Gorilla Biscuits Cover)
13. Funny Look
14. Emotions
15. Call It A Night
16. State Of Confusion
17. Hard To Believe
18. Not Just My Head
19. My Fathers Dreams
20. All I Want for Christmas
21. I Hate Myself
22. Can't Get Up The Nerve
23. Apart At The Seams
24. Inside Myself
25. In The John [Live]
26. Something I Don't Know [Live]
27. Too Many [Live]

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Hellfire Trigger Re-Up

It has come to my attention that one of my earliest posts needs to be re-uploaded, so here is Hellfire Trigger, a now defunct (or apparently not?) hardcore band out of North San Diego County. These guys rule(d), they would always come play shows in the High Desert with Dirtbag and Spitting On Cops. Here's their two releases, both on Brain Constipation Records, "Stand Up" and "Sent Down To Burn" on one .RAR for your enjoyment. I loved these guys an I had the many a conversation with them back in the day. Really really nice guys. Click on the live photo to download. Enjoy!

The Unseen Discography

Here's the complete LP discography of the Unseen. EPs are not included, but what is, is the Complete Singles Collection compilation. That pretty much covers it. Click on the album cover to download. Enjoy!

And I just found these...Here are three B-Sides released exclusively through Myspace back in 2006. They are "Act The Part", "Live In Fear 2006" and their cover of "Rise Above", originally by Black Flag...Enjoy!

Agnostic Front-My Life, My Way

Yes, it sucks, but judge for yourself. Click the album cover to download. Don't feel like making a track list, but the tracks are properly labeled.

Vortex-Thrash Is Alive

Vortex fail to innovate, but "Thrash Is Alive" is further proof that thrash metal is and always will be alive and well. I'd be 100% totally knocked out of my seat if this genre fades into obscurity again. This demo from this Croatian group came out in 2009. I don't know of any further releases by these guys. If anyone does, point me in the right direction...I really want to hear more from this band! Enjoy!

Vortex-Thrash Is Alive:

1. Death Trap
2. Between The Lines
3. Thrash Is Alive
4. Bonebreaker
5. No Way Out
6. Thrash Metal Holocaust
7. Running Killing
8. Arise On The Streets

Cancer Bats-Bears, Mayors, Scraps & Bones

Canada's Cancer Bats play an innovative style of hardcore punk with elements of the Southern Sludge style. It's different than a lot of the hardcore coming out these days, as I hear almost equal amounts of later era Black Flag and Black Sabbath represented by the band. It's a hard driving and sludgy onslaught of oftentimes anti-melodic cacophony. Check it out. Enjoy!

Cancer Bats-Bears, Mayors, Scraps & Bones:

1. Sleep This Away
2. Trust No One
3. Dead Wrong
4. Doomed To Fail
5. Black Metal Bicycle
6. We Are The Undead
7. Scared To Death
8. Darkness
9. Snake Mountain
10. Make Amends
11. Fake Gold
12. Drive This Stake
13. Raised Right
14. Sabotage (Beastie Boys Cover)

De La Soul-3 Feet High And Rising

De La Soul-3 Feet High And Rising:

1. Intro
2. The Magic Number
3. Change In Speak
4. Cool Breeze On The Rocks
5. Can You Keep A Secret?
6. Jenifa Taught Me (Derwin's Revenge)
7. Ghetto Thang
8. Transmitting Live From Mars
9. Eye Know
10. Take It Off
11. A Little Bit Of Soap
12. Tread Water
13. Say No Go
14. Do As De La Does
15. Plug Tunin' (Last Chance To Comprehend)
16. De La Orgee
17. Buddy (With Jungle Brothers And Q Tip)
18. Description
19. Me, Myself And I
20. This Is A Recording 4 Living In A Fulltime Era (L.I.F.E.)
21. I Can Do Anything (Delacratic)
22. D.A.I.S.Y. Age
23. Plug Tunin' (Original 12" Version)
24. Potholes In My Lawn

Andrew W.K.-I Get Wet

Probably one of my favorite album covers of all time. Andrew W.K. plays a form of party rock that incorporates heavy metal, hard rock and punk rock influences with some piano and keyboard that adds another layer of depth to the sound. It's pretty fucking good. I threw in the re-recorded version of "We Want Fun" from the Jackass soundtrack as an added bonus...Enjoy!

Andrew W.K.-I Get Wet:

1. It's Time To Party
2. Party Hard
3. Girls Own Love
4. Ready To Die
5. Take It Off
6. I Love NYC
7. She Is Beautiful
8. Party Til You Puke
9. Fun Night
10. Got To Do It
11. I Get Wet
12. Don't Stop Living In The Red

Bonus-We Want Fun (Jackass: The Movie Soundtrack)

Movie Review: Clerks...37 Dicks And Still Counting...

I haven't done a movie review in over a year and I wish to do more of these. I'm just really lazy. Seeing how this blog has months between updates and updates tend to come in clusters, I need to get on top of things...Here's my review of Clerks, one of my all time favorite movies...

37 dicks. That's right. When I was younger (I'm only 22 right now), running into a girl who you knew had performed fellatio on that many men was a blessing in disguise. You knew, that without a doubt, you were walking away a happy camper having had your penis loved on by the taste buds of the lady of the nearest lake. I saw this movie when I was 13 or 14 and to be honest, it only really made the impact on me later in my life. 37 dicks is something I certainly wouldn't aspire to if I were a female and now, as a male in my early 20s, I ran the risk of contracting some serious STDs in my more promiscuous days. It's a turn off now. And to state the obvious, being in a committed relationship is enough to turn you away from sluts...Not to degrade women in any sort of way, there are just some out there that are walking receptacles for infected semen. Now, a woman should be proud of her sexuality. This isn't the 50s mindset anywhere, but I'll stop simultaneously preaching misogyny and feminism for the sake of completing this review...And even I after proof reading that, do not understand what point I was attempting to make...The Japanese need to make a Clerks tentacle porn with a beast of 37 dicks. I'd watch the shit out of that and I absolutely hate anime and hentai. Fuck it...Balls...Shit...FUCK...

This movie did break new ground in that it is almost entirely dialogue. Nothing really happens that isn't a result of the movie's vivid explicit spectacle of speech. It's a lot of weed, dick and fart jokes and solidified Kevin Smith's career as the sole purveyor of weed, dick and fart joke in a seemingly intelligent way. His vocabulary is his strong suit and the delivery of some of these jokes includes such examples of uncommon lexicon that a having a lexicon handy is the only way some of the humor can be grasped in layman's terms. Don't expect to get get everything in your first viewing. It takes several to truly extract every last laugh from the flick.

The story is basically about two guys at two businesses owned by the same mysterious boss who talk...A lot...Most of these discussions have absolutely nothing to do with the actual plot. Something about 37 dicks...Something else about playing hockey on the roof of the convenience store and something about fucking. And BERZERKER! Figuring out the plot is a daunting task in itself because you're constantly sucked into the film's irrelevant dialogue. Plot twists? Nah, well maybe if you count a girl fucking a dead guy in the bathroom due to a case of mistaken identity...

You see, some, in not most of the funniest moments are the crudest. For example, when Randal reads off the porno movie titles in front of the mother and her young daughter without a care in the world. He's not oblivious to their presence, he just flat out does not give a flying fucking fuck. Let's take a look at the main characters for a moment. Dante is a little whining bitch who got called in on his day off. I flat out don't really like him, because he's pretty much a bitch. The character is supposed to represent Kevin Smith in his youth, which leads me to the conclusion that Kevin Smith is a whiny bitch...And a fat whiny bitch at that, who bitches cause he had to buy two plane tickets to properly seat his gargantuan ass...In fact, I hate the Dante character so much, had the original ending been included, the film would have worked excellently as a tragedy for someone who almost cannot be sympathized with. Maybe tragedy isn't the term I'm looking for...Maybe his death would have summarized the previous generation's complacency in the world. Although it wouldn't have been the gunman's motive (which is theft), I'd interpret the shooting as having been a mercy killing. Dante is so self absorbed and miserable, I'm sure he would have welcomed his demise with arms wide open. Maybe that was Mr. Smith's original intent, but those test screenings are certainly a bitch and a half...And maybe then we wouldn't have the travesty that is Clerks 2 if Dante had died, seeing how he is essentially focal point of the movie. Maybe they could have made "Clerk: A Sequel To Clerks" starring the best part of the movie, Randal Fucking Graves!

Randal is awesome. Randal is king! Randal makes the movie...Who the fuck thinks of the independent contractors on the uncompleted second Death Star? Randal does! He is the true genius of the movie. And we also have Jay and Silent Bob making their debut, although their role is minimal in comparison to their later outings. They are relegated to a bunch of one-liners. That honestly does make the movie that much better. We can argue about whether their expanded roles in future Kevin Smith movies added to them at, but hell, they at least got their own swear-fest out of it.

What this movie did for me was to expand on penchant for conversation. I now regularly throw words into my speech that tend to throw people off and give of an aura of intelligence that has yet to be proven real or false by myself or anyone else that I have attempted to fool. I have the talent of bullshiting my way through conversation and I have this movie to thank for that. I constantly will steer the topic towards simultaneously inane and insane topics that don't matter in the grand scheme of things, or happen to even be relevant to my existence.

Clerks 2 was shit. It killed the spirit of the first film and was basically a re-hash of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back mixed with a little bit of the magic that made Clerks what it is. Clerks is a great film, it really is. You will fail if you even attempt to try to recreate that. And even the father of this great film, Kevin Smith himself, couldn't do that. You can't fuck with this movie. You just can't. It's been a good 4 years since I last watched it. I love it, but maybe I've seen it too many times. I can't even count. So fuck it. If you haven't seen it, then you need to. I highly recommend watching the original cut included on the Clerks X DVD set. It's better than the final product, albeit a rough and unfinished version.

What did Clerks contribute to society? Nothing really. It's all about 90 minutes of entertainment. But there's one thing that stands out...I always end up in a conversation with whomever my current girlfriend is at the time about the men (or women) they've slept with. It always goes that way. This conversation is inevitable. Particularly "how many"...I always reply "In a row". And if she asks you first, you answer and that's her reply, you have found yourself a keeper. That's Clerks' contribution to society...A dick joke that never gets old.

Zeke-Death Alley

Zeke is Zeke. Not any other band really quite like them, except for Motörhead. Zeke is Motörhead on crack, whereas Motörhead was already rock 'n' roll on speed, so I can come to the conclusion that this band is fast and they're cranked up on methamphetamines and cocaine derivatives. Did I mention already that this band is really fucking fast, but also musically tight. Tighter than the majority of bands out there, including the most metalest of the bunch. This is faster than shit Motörhead worship with a punk aesthetic and approach and it's fucking tight to, if I haven't already mentioned that. It's tighter than a virgin's un-invaded vaginal cavern waiting for daring spelunkers to infiltrate and lay claim to being the first to ever investigate. It's also tighter than an asshole that hasn't been massaged to accommodate a fleshy, cylindrical appendage that squirts salty, warm, expired milk when total utter happiness has been achieved. It's also way tighter than you, because you suck. So fuck you. And finally, Enjoy!

Zeke-Death Alley:

1. Crossroads
2. Live Wire
3. Jack Tolerance
4. Evil Dead
5. Arkansas Man
6. Shockwaves
7. Mountain Man
8. Evil Woman
9. The River
10. Night Rider
11. Into The Night
12. On The Run
13. Animal
14. Road Ahead
15. Eyes Of Satan
16. Death Alley

Fuck On The Beach-I Have Never Seen Myself

Power-Violence...Almost the same fucking thing as thrashcore and a less metal variant of grind, which is a metal-ish variant itself of thrashcore, hardcore and power-violence. Which came first? The chicken or the egg? I don't know exactly where I'm going with this one and if I had a point, it was certainly lost in my head...Somewhere...Ok, the point is FUCK THE CHICKEN AND FUCK THE EGG! Was it the Sex Pistols in England or the Ramones in America? Who cares who started it? It's fucking music...Music?? I almost cannot think of a genre short of noise "music" that is more anti-musical that power-violence...POWER-MOTHER-FUCKING-VIOLENCE...It kills...Fuck On The Beach more or less makes me want to fuck on the beach, and fuck myself up on the beach. I remember being on Chat-Roulette because of my friend B-Rad (who knows what he was doing on that site), beating myself up, while people beat themselves off...Probably to my self beating, which I'm quite good at. I'm almost positive I gave myself a concussion that night. I'm definitely deficient the brain cells these days. Possibly due to that incident. And it was all for the benefit of some sicko across the country getting his rocks off. I felt dirty, used and abused...I'm your slut...And for whatever reason I think of violent sounding hardcore punk when I'm participating in illicit sexual favors for random people...Maybe you will to. Enjoy!

Fuck On The Beach-I Have Never Seen Myself

1. I Have Never Seen Myself
2. Too Sad To Be Alone
3. No Jealousy
4. Betrayed Again
5. Suddenly Insert
6. Where Do You Work?
7. Don't Call Out
8. Tried My Life
9. Broken Black Hole
10. Innocent Yourself
11. All The World
12. Fuck On The Beach
13. Vandalize
14. Hate Myself
15. Something I Don't Want To Know

Kottonmouth Kings-Sunrise Sessions

People ask me all the time if I am a bro. No, not the Midwest or East Coast variety of douchebag, but the Southern California dirtbike riding, black sock wearing, SRH reppin' kind. My listening choices include the Kottonmouth Kings (and other Subnoize acts), I ride a dirtbike, I drive a Ranger prerunner wannabe truck, I'm an asshole, I have a collection of flat-bill hats...So I guess I am a bro. Or a brunk rocker. Yup, Up the Brunx! hahaha.

I love the Kottonmouth Kings. I do. You can research their history a little bit and find out that Brad Xavier was in the O.C. Hardcore band Doggy Style at one time, but most judge off face value. This is their latest record, "Sunrise Sessions", which is more or less, a substantially more mature output from the "smoke weed, drink, ride dirtbikes" sound of their previous records. This is a actually a laid back, mellow, reggae-tinged collection of stoner rhymes. It's quite fucking good. Here we find the crew stripping away most, if not all of the punk rock and club anthems for a more coherent and concise collection of tracks.

This is their second album with the Dirtball, who's speed rap style fits this style rather well. The Kottonmouth Kings' other experiments with a reggae style, namely select tracks off of "Royal Highness" were better and musically more reggae than hip-hop, but still, this is a style they should stick with. The club anthems have more or less been spun off into Kingspade and the punk rock is going on in the X-Pistols, two side projects that have their own individual merits and are worthy of a look.

If this is your thing, then check it out. Enjoy!

Kottonmouth Kings-Sunrise Sessions

1. Stonetown
2. Love Lost
3. Down 4 Life (Feat. Jared Of Hed P.E.)
4. Kalifornia
5. My Garden
6. Boom Clap Sound
7. Back Home
8. She's Dangerous
9. Ganja Daze
10. Stay Stoned
11. Stoned Silly
12. Closing Time
13. Cruzin'
14. Great To Be Alive
15. Be Alright
16. Said And Done