I will post damn near anything for local bands who want to get their music out there, so email me at:

zachattack924@gmail.com


Include a link to your shit and don't be a fag, you fucking faggot. Eat a dick. Lick on these testicles. I wanna anally inseminate Miles Ellerbeck (this will probably be here a year or two before he sees it...Love you bro). Also open yourself up to constructive criticism. I'll bluntly tell you it sucks and give the world a link to see just how bad it sucks. I am mimicking the stream of conscious asshole blogger speech now. Fuck you and eat several more dicks.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Video Game Review: Need For Speed: Shift

Two words: Digitized crack

I am not an avid gamer...In fact, I only play new games every once in a fucking while, when the mood strikes me. Having loved most of the recent Need For Speed games, seeing this game at Best Buy triggered my lust for driving fast without actually doing it. I had some extra money to waste...So I did...

And I am utterly surprised...

This is almost a Gran Turismo or Forza killer (I still regard GT 2 on PS1 to be the best racing game ever). The only thing that handicaps it however, is that there are no where near enough cars to blow either title out of the water. There are some cool cars, yes, but I do like quantity every once in a while...Since I'm bitching about the lack of cars, what happened to all of the classic muscle cars, and why isn't there a 1st (or even 2nd) generation DSM? Fuck that...

Aside from that, we are treated to a game that offers the most realistic driving experience that doesn't suck. It's realistic in the right places, yet still arcadey enough for casual gamers to enjoy. The game begs to be played exclusively in the cockpit camera angle (I am usually a third-person type guy). The inside car view makes you feel like you're actually driving the fucking car. The exhaust note reverberates inside, which gives you the feeling of driving an over $100,000 car with another $200,000 in go-fast goodies. If you hit the wall, it feels like you hit the wall. The mechanics here contribute to a fun factor usually only reserved for Grand Theft Auto titles. Instead of wandering Liberty City, ethnically cleansing the streets of the obese Caucasian policemen that randomly spawn out of thin air when you so happen to "accidentally" let off a few rounds into the back of someone's head, I am racing the game's tracks over and over again and not getting bored...Which is hard for a game to do, especially when you have the attention span of a dirty asshole begging to get fucked. That's just nasty. But, like I said earlier, two words: Digitized crack.

The graphics are top-notch...I play a 360 on a thrift store TV and it still looks good. That, I guess, is the benefit of the 360. The PS3 needs all this high-definition bullshit to look decent, while the 360 is much kinder to those who don't have enough money to buy a fucking $500 television that supports HD and 1080p crap. I'm old school, although only 21. Give me convenience, or give me a fucking boner...And it don't have to be in no HD...What's to say about a society where seeing everything better than real life is valued? Do you really need to know that your favorite porn star doesn't know how to wipe her asshole properly? There are just some things I will never get. I guess we are all spoiled ever since Toy Story came out...And even that's back...In 3D...Fuck...Back on topic...The graphics do kick ass though. I like games that look and play good, and this is one of them.

The customization aspect is back and it is fun, but it doesn't feel anywhere as deep as anything pre-Carbon. It's better than the extremely stripped down one from that poor excuse for a game called Undercover, yet not as deep as Pro-Street was. It lacks, but it's still enjoyable. Hell, maybe I just like tweaking my in-game whip. It's nice to fantasize about owning cars you'll never own, except digitally, or in 1/24 scale. If I had a million dollars, I'd have a 1970 Chevelle SS454...Wait a second...I don't have a million dollars to buy an extremely rare muscle car with an extremely rare option at an extremely high price, so I'll settle on the one in the game...Wait another second...There is no 1970 Chevelle SS454 in the game...Fuck...I guess I'll just settle on my real-life 1992 VW Golf GTi that only has the 1.8 8v motor, and not the desired 16v or even a VR6 swap...Fuck, I need money...

And now I will conclude my review...After I type the word "fuck" again...Twice...

Fuck

Fuck...And once more, in all CAPS...FUCK...And now the close...

I am hooked on this game like hooked on phonics and high grade hydroponics. It's fun. That's all that should matter. If you like racing games, buy this shit and play it until your Xbox comes down with red-ring of death syndrome. If you don't like racing games, then play that new Halo ODST game I keep hearing about...For all those with a Wii: It must suck to be you.

7 comments:

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